Eh?!?!?!
by P-Chan1
Summary: Insane musings from P-Chan...Van's obsessed with food, Allen's got a secret, and Merle's having a grand old time!


_EH?!?!?!_   
**An Escaflowne fanfiction... er... parody**   
**by**   
**[P-Chan][1]**

**Disclaimer: **The Vision of Escaflowne belongs to whoever owns the rights to it. That means Sunrise, Tokyo TV, Fox, Bandai, and... more?   


* * *

_**NOTE: **This has nothing to do with Dimensional Chaos. Random humour fanfic. Edited 03/14/01 before posting on Fanfiction.net, so this version is newer than the previous version that was posted at Starz Anime Gallery. There have been minor changes._   


* * *

> A very irate Allen came charging through the halls of Van's castle. The Fanelian king watched the blond knight as he stormed along the long, elegant corridors. Van shook his head. _Hmmm...there's something different about Allen today... _Allen was just one of the many friends he had invited, along with a number of representatives from various nations, to celebrate the completion of Fanelia's restoration. The entire city was abuzz with excitement and all of the inns were packed.
> 
> "WHERE IS IT?!" the blond knight yelled with an unusual display of unrestrained fury. His blue eyes glittered dangerously. Van shook his head. _Not again, _he thought. Merle had been mocking the blond knight ever since Allen had arrived. The young king backed away as the knight stomped (stomped?) past him. Allen had an aura strong enough to roast a pig. _Not that roast pig wouldn't taste really wonderful right now, _Van thought. At that thought, he shook himself sternly and began his ritual lecture to himself in his mind, shaking his head disapprovingly at himself. _Good kings do not babble to themselves. Good kings do not think hungry thoughts all the time. Good kings do not stand like idiots in doorways shaking their heads. _The head shaking stopped. _Good kings do not ruin perfectly good shirts just because they can't be bothered to take shirts off the normal way. No, no, that just isn't acceptable. _Then he thought, _But it's so fun to do it that way. _Van pouted.
> 
> While the king was busy babbling to himself in his mind, Celena Schezar emerged from one of the guest rooms and began pleading with her brother to "Please calm down!" Princess Millerna soon joined them in the hall as she came to investigate the cause of all the commotion. She stared at Allen for a moment.
> 
> "Why, Allen! Why... your hair!"
> 
> Allen glowered.
> 
> Quickly, Celena said, "Doesn't it look lovely, Millerna?"
> 
> "Uh,...yes, lovely! It's... uh, shorter, shorter than before, but lovely!" She smiled, following Celena's lead.
> 
> "Brother's hair is as long as it was when he was only an adolescent." Celena smiled.
> 
> "When did you cut it, Allen?" Millerna asked.
> 
> Allen continued to glower.
> 
> "Oh, it's always been that short," Celena explained, looking puzzled by the question. (_Hmmmmm......_)
> 
> "But during the Great War it was---"
> 
> _SLAM!!! _Allen had resumed his storming through the halls.
> 
> "WHERE IS IT?!?!?! I'm going to find you, Merle, and when I do..." The ranting continued.
> 
> Van sighed, turning to join Millerna and Celena as they followed Allen. _Good kings do not leave their guests in such distress, _he thought.
> 
> Van, Celena, and Millerna followed the trail of disaster Allen had left in his wake. They finally encountered him in the royal gardens, with Merle. "GIVE IT BACK!"
> 
> "Nya, nya, nya, nya!" Merle pranced about, chanting in her singsong voice. Millerna and Van peered at what Merle waved about her head. It appeared to be a banner... no, a broom... no... _Spaghetti, _Van thought...then again, no... it... it was... it was... a long blond wig! They both gasped, flabbergasted.
> 
> "Allen, you... you..." Van faltered.
> 
> "Allen!" Millerna was glaring at the knight. "How dare you... how dare you! You... YOu... YOU... fake! You fraud!" Millerna sniffled. "All this time we ladies were so jealous of your lovely locks..."
> 
> Merle laughed wickedly and ran off with the wig trailing behind her. Allen chased her, yelling, "If you harm one hair, I'll..." His voice faded into the distance. Van stared wistfully after the wig, thinking, _Spaghetti WOULD be delicious right now..._
> 
> Turning back to Celena, Van found her comforting the princess, who had crumpled into a heap after Allen had left. Millerna was sobbing and talking at the same time.
> 
> "All (hiccup) this time (sob), I've been (hiccup) trying (hiccup) so hard, so HARD (sob), to get my hair to look like (hiccup) HIS, and now...(sob!!!)..."
> 
> Van and Celena sweatdropped.   

> 
> * * *
> 
> The last day of the festivities dawned bright and beautiful. Van glanced out the window, soaking in the sight of the sun. _Such a big, round, golden egg..._
> 
> Turning to his drawers, which were made of a rich, _MOCHA_ colored wood, Van sifted through his shirts, trying to decide what to wear. _The apple red one with the leather ties... nah... the cherry red with the V-neck... nah... the strawberry red one with the round collar... nah... the tomato red one with the sleeves... nah... ah! The sleeveless red tank top will do, _he thought. Van frowned. _Darn, it's in shreds. Wonder how that happened..._
> 
> Just then, a butler entered the room. "Never fear, your majesty," he said. "We always have a fresh batch on hand for you..." The butler offered Van his burden. Twenty-eight identical red tank tops, neatly folded and smelling fresh, lay in the butler's arms. "Four per day of the week, sir. Do try to keep that in mind--just _four_ a day. And we've only ten in storage as backup until the next batch arrives for next week." With that, he left the room.   

> 
> * * *
> 
> Van shifted uncomfortably in his seat. The next event in the festivities was a beauty contest. Anyone could enter. _I do hope they do it quickly_, Van thought. He gazed at the grass where the common audience was seated. _Vegetables. Nice, fresh greens. We should have plenty of vegetables to eat at the upcoming banquet_, he thought.
> 
> Slowly the first contestants began to emerge. Lady Dalia had... uh... long blond hair. Ms. Masaki had... long blond hair... the palace cook also had long blond hair... and Princess Millerna had long, straight blond hair... _I do believe there's a pattern here_... Van's butler, who was serving drinks to the king and his friends, leaned toward Allen.
> 
> "I do believe you've set quite a trend... congratulations!" The servants nearby snickered as Allen glowered. Then, the last contestant stepped onto the stage and the whole crowd hushed. Her locks were absolutely... _stunning_. Glorious strands of golden hair cascaded past her shoulders, down her back, past her derriere, past her knees, past her ankles... _Oh dear_, Van thought, looking nervously in Allen's direction.
> 
> "MERLE!!!" The blond knight leapt up. Immediately, the bundle of hair laughed wickedly and sprang off. The two chased each other through the crowd, wreaking havoc. Van covered his face with his hands. _Not in public, Merle!_ He sighed. Standing up, he announced, "Time for some chow mein, everyone! Go on, enjoy the food!" The king himself scurried to the tables.
> 
> That evening, the young king of Fanelia spent a few hours after the dinner banquet practicing with his sword. _Swing, thrust, thrust, one, two, three_... Two young pages watched him as he practiced his skills. As Van perfunctorily went through the exercises, he thought of Hitomi. Suddenly, he felt he could see her right in front of him.
> 
> "Van!"
> 
> "Hitomi!"
> 
> "Van!"
> 
> "Hitomi!"
> 
> "Van!"
> 
> "Hitomi!" The young king threw out his arms, reaching out to embrace her...
> 
> "Oi vey! Yikes!"
> 
> "Your majesty!"
> 
> Van blinked and found himself in front of one of the pages, their noses nearly touching. The page was blushing furiously.
> 
> "Oh majesty, I had no idea!"
> 
> "_Eeeee ya!_" Van cried, backing up hastily. He bumped into the other young page, who actually dared to give his king a peeved look. Then Van did a double-take. The other page had a very peeved look and _very_ wet pants. A sword had skewered the tree just above the page's head, practically touching the top of the boy's head. Upon close inspection, the sword bore a mysteriously familiar royal crest...
> 
> "Very good, sir," the page said sarcastically.
> 
> Van shrugged sheepishly. Then his eyes lit up. "I'll skewer some shishkabobs for you. Then you'll feel all better!" Grinning, the king retrieved his sword and headed back to the palace, two rather sullen pages trailing behind.   

> 
> * * *
> 
> The next morning, Van bid his guests good-bye. Allen and Celena were to be some of the last to leave.
> 
> "Bye King Van! I'll be sure to send you more red shirts for the solstice!"
> 
> "Me too!"
> 
> "Me three!"
> 
> "Me four!"
> 
> "Me five!"
> 
> "Me six!"
> 
> "Me seven!"
> 
> "Me eight...!" And so on.
> 
> Allen managed a shaky smile as he shook hands with Van.
> 
> "Next time I come, I'll be sure to spar with you, Van. My state of mind was...uh...a bit preoccupied lately, though." Allen grinned. "Be sure to avoid skewering your pages, too, Van," Allen added. He turned away, brushing at his hair a bit mournfully. It was still just above his shoulders. His sister, Celena, shrugged at the king and turned to follow her brother.
> 
> All three of them were about to part ways when they all noticed the same thing. Atop one of the castle's tallest towers waved a queer looking banner... it appeared to be the fringe of a rug... no, a horse's tail... no... a... a...
> 
> "MERLE!!!" The knight roared and tore off back in the direction of the castle. Van and Celena both sweatdropped again. Suddenly, Van got an absurdly pleased smile on his face. Celena eyed it suspiciously. He returned her look, saying, "Good kings don't leave their guests in distress." With that, he arched his back. _Riiipppp! _Beautiful white wings burst from his back and... and... the sky was raining little bits of red cloth. A butler could be seen running out of the castle.
> 
> "That was your _last_ one, my lord! You'll... you'll... you'll... oh dear... you'll have to wear something _different_ tomorrow!"
> 
> Everyone within earshot gasped. "Wear something... different? _The King_? What a miracle!"   

> 
> * * *
> 
> For the next few weeks, the King of Fanelia could be seen moping about the castle. His tailors had all run into personal troubles and had been unable to produce a sufficient supply of red tank tops. King Van now sulked about the castle in his black shirts, mourning the loss of his beloved, customary style. Not a few sniffles could be heard each morning as the king dressed.
> 
> And, for years after the famous celebration of the Restoration of Fanelia, in the easternmost part of the castle, above the gorgeous royal gardens, at the tip of the highest tower, a yellow banner could be seen waving in the wind. Or was it a rug? A horse's tail? A long broom's head? A... no... it couldn't be... it was... it was...
> 
> "HITOMI!"
> 
> Gasping, Hitomi sat up in bed, her hair tousled and her eyes still heavy with sleep.
> 
> "Hitomi, time for school!"
> 
> "Yes, yes, I'm up."
> 
> She sat there rubbing her eyes for a moment. _Good thing my dreams are no longer prophetic. They're so weird these days... at least I HOPE_ _they're just dreams..._
> 
> THE END
> 
> **AUTHOR'S Note:** Yeah, yeah...They're all kinda out of character. =P It was lot's of fun though! And Van's a growing boy... and growing boys are almost ALWAYS hungry... Ah, well, this is just yet another one of P-Chan's INSANE MUSINGS. ~_^ Hope ya liked it anyway!
> 
> There are altered pictures for this... they aren't fanart... just ALTERED pics by StarLioness. Arigatou gozaimasu! Find them on StarLioness' page under her fanfiction section:
> 
> [Visit Starz Anime Gallery][2]

   [1]: mailto:p_chan86@hotmail.com
   [2]: http://members.nbci.com/StarLioness/



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